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July 02, 2006

9x5 Uncut

My friend Avedon discovers a piece by Karl Rove in Time magazine.

There's a phenomenon you will have noticed if you spend any time at all hanging around sites that offer gay "personals". Let's just call it the claim of the huge tool.

Now, upon information and belief, not all that many gay guys are what is referred to in the vernacular as "size queens". Sure, there are some, but for the most part I think a lot of guys find huge tools a bit, um, unwieldy. Hard to work with, you might say.

Nevertheless, you get a ton of personal ads by guys touting the magnitude of their equipment. I have come to the conclusion that these ads are more for their benefit than for ours.

It's a pretty well-known fact, I think, that Karl Rove is a flabby shlub who loves power. He lingers in the background coming up with political strategies for Bush to inflict on all of us, then he shoves Bush out into the public to be the athletic, thrusting male Rove could never be. He has been called "Bush's Brain" which, according to the evidence, seems to be a fairly accurate description. I would like to propose an reciprocal anatomical appellation for Bush vis-a-vis Rove.

To wit: "Rove's Dick".

Read the Time piece. It's purportedly about Teddy Roosevelt but in actual fact it's pretty transparently about Bush -- or, about the Bush Rove wants us all to believe in.

But I have to tell you, even more than that it looks to me like one of those "I got a huge tool" ads from the personals. I half-expected to see an included image, clearly ripped off from one of the alt.binaries.erotic.gay.* Usenet groups, showing an appendage worthy of Seattle Slew.

Jesus, Karl. Nobody cares how big you think your dick is. And we really don't care to see you waving it around like that, especially since nobody's really falling for it anymore. It's not like we haven't responded to your ads before and felt ripped-off when you showed up at our door. What, you thought we wouldn't notice?

A piece of advice: if you are going to solicit interest from size queens, at least come through with the anatomical goods. People actually do notice these things, you know. Eventually.

More advice: Next ad confine yourself to "long walks on the beach" and "great guy once you get to know me". You might at least get one pity-fuck (don't count on it) before we find out all of that's a lie too.


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I shudder to think who Rove's Asshole might be. Or is he a strict top?

I think he is his own asshole. Self-reliance and all that.

I wish I had the Photoshop skills to do an ad for Jeff Gannon or some other he-whore with the big head replaced by Rove and the little head by Bush, but on second thought it may be just as well that I don't.

Yes, I think the mental image is sufficient. More than sufficient actually. My brain may need a nanny filter here, though I can hardly complain of ill-effects since I am the one who proposed the notion in the first place.

I think I will ban myself from the library of my imagination for a while. Or, at least, confine myself to Children's Story Corner.

I'm sorry, but when I'm not laughing too hard to come up with an intelligent response, I'm trying to bleach my brain.

Must go snicker some more.

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