Random Notes On Christian Sex
(I'm probably going to regret this post. I already get so many Google hits on sexual subjects that my logs nearly, um, choke on them.)
So I'm hurrying home and I pass one of the NYU dorms and there's this college guy hanging out in front with this young woman about half his size. He's got kind of a beer gut with a T-shirt stretched over it that reads: "Sex, Drugs, and Christian Rock".
I wanted to stop and ask him exactly what sort of sex was included in his exhortation. I mean, are we just talking hetero, here? And only within the bounds of marriage? If so, how do drugs fit into the picture? But... I was in a hurry.
Fearing unhipness, later on I did a Google search on this guy's T-shirt and found a few hits. Not so many. I decided I could rest easy on the hipness front. This wasn't anything of WWJD proportions.
However, over in the paid ads I noticed two sponsored links:
Christianity & Sex
How I Give My Wife Intense,
Multiple Orgasms. Christian Guide.
www.christian-sex.net
and
Please God and Your Wife
Learn Sexual Skills
For the Christian Husband
SexualSkills4ChristianHusbands.com
Okay, cool, but the thing is about those two sites (both by the same guy), it costs you $37 to get his e-book on how to, among other things, "maintain your erections indefinitely", become "a multi-orgasmic male", discover the secrets of the "male G-spot" (I could tell you that one for a dime), find your wife's "deepest sexual needs", and so forth and so on. Though he says if you aren't completely satisfied, he'll give you your $37 back.
The author assures us "Sex was God’s idea. He created it and encourages us to participate in it, frequently, enthusiastically and without shame."
But, apparently, not without somebody (the author, in this case) making some fast money off it.
I dunno. None of my business, really. I'm not a Christian. I'm unmarried, and I'm certainly not interested in hearing what this guy has to say about my male G-spot.
Still, insofar as I understand Christianity, it seems a bit un-Christian of this guy to be charging money for his secrets of sexual (within the bounds of Christian marriage) success.
I mean, WWJD?
Seems to me he'd tell you all about your male G-spot, if you wanted to know about it. Insofar as I understand his philosophy, anyway. He threw the money-changers out of the temple, didn't he? It doesn't seem such a stretch to imagine he'd fill you in on your male G-spot, no charge. If you were interested, I mean.
And I'll bet your average priest knows all about the male G-spot. What's the big secret? Is this like keeping the Bible all in Latin or something? So only the priests can read it?
Well, anyway. Like I said, it's none of my business. But if you want to know where your male G-spot is, just shoot me an email. Hell, I'll tell you for free. Save your dime for your local homeless person.
I'll warn you in advance, though. If you're one of these Average American Male type guys, you're probably not going to like the answer.
What I would like to know is exactly how Christian sex differs from atheist sex. Are certain positions more Christian than others? Or is it something about the way it is done? Is it a matter of praising God during the act? Are the deepest needs of a Christian wife different from those of a Muslim wife?
(The scary thing is that it wouldn't surprise me if there actually were a passage or two in the Bible about which sexual positions a good Christian can enjoy...)
Posted by: mikhail | September 15, 2006 at 02:24 PM
You could always buy the guy's book. :)
But, in fact, I recall the guy quoting some verses on one of those pages, but I don't think it had anything to do with "positions". It was more along the lines of God or Jesus being in favor of sex (between married people, probably).
As I go through the rest of the Bible I'll keep my eyes peeled for you. I wouldn't hold my breath, tho. :)
Posted by: Corpsy | September 15, 2006 at 02:43 PM
It's up one's ass!
Posted by: Pantufla Milagrosa | September 15, 2006 at 05:50 PM
If you're expecting a dime for that, you can forget it. In fact, give one to the next homeless person you see.
Posted by: Corpsy | September 15, 2006 at 05:57 PM
I find this strange, funny, and sad.
I was raised Southern Baptist, and spent much of my time from birth through college among conservative Christians. In my experience, conservative Christian upbringing is often not conducive to healthy sexuality. It’s kind of difficult when every act of sexual exploration is met with feelings of shame and guilt.
Also, many good Christians are conditioned to distrust secular sources of information in favor of ones that are filtered by other seemingly like-minded people. I guess this not only makes Christians susceptible to certain political arguments, but also makes them suckers for opportunistic e-book vendors. Perhaps they’re thinking that secular sex guides that make no distinction about the marital status of the people taking the advice would just be immoral, maybe even pornographic. I don’t know.
On another note, I've always really wondered what Jesus thought about sex. I once asked my Sunday school teacher if Jesus had sexual urges. I don’t think I got a clear answer on that one.
Posted by: jerm | September 15, 2006 at 08:24 PM
Perhaps they’re thinking that secular sex guides that make no distinction about the marital status of the people taking the advice would just be immoral, maybe even pornographic.
In fact, I think this guy says exactly that on one of his pages. I think he uses it as one of his selling points for e-book, I think.
I once asked my Sunday school teacher if Jesus had sexual urges.
What a brave little soldier for the Lord you must have been. I can understand you never getting a clear answer on that, but I'm a bit surprised you didn't get your mouth washed out with soap.
As far as what Jesus thought of sex, I don't suppose we'll ever know on account of all the filtering the Church Fathers have applied to his story. But my guess is he thought just about what all of us think about it. In all the ways we think of it. He was supposed to be human in addition to everything else he was, right? Thar ya go, then.
Posted by: Corpsy | September 15, 2006 at 09:44 PM