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I Feel So Dirty

Not two days after I complain about American Democracy being an Electric Football game, I get a phone call. The guy on the other end says he's from Gallup.

The first thing you should know about me is that I never take polls. I don't explain when they call. I just say, "Sorry, I don't do polls" and then I hang up. I haven't taken a poll in years, on any subject.

Until tonight.

What can I say? The guy had a cute voice. (Note to Telemarketers: only hire people with cute voices.) But more than that... well, maybe not more than that, but close... I'd just heard about a poll this morning on Bush and the Republicans and it was sweet. Finally, the American public is getting a clue about these bastards.

So, I thought... maybe I could get a little of this action? What if they ask me what I think about the things that matter to me? What if answering the guy with the cute voice's questions makes me feel, you know, involved or something? Maybe even important? But most of all, what if I could add my little opinion turdlet to the steaming pile of crap that's burying these people? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...

As always, I played hard to get.

"How long will this take?"

Eight minutes, he told me.

Heh. Eight minutes. Where have I heard that one before? "Please? C'mon... It'll only take eight minutes, I promise." Yeah, right.

So, anyway, call me a slut if you want. I don't care. And anyway, a line delivered in a cute voice is a hell of a lot different than a line delivered in just your regular, run-of-the-mill voice. It's not the same thing at all. If you think it is, then you don't know nothing.

And no, you don't need to know the details. All you need to know is that... it was good. It was very, very good. Well, at least it was for me. He seemed to enjoy himself, but I guess you'd have to ask him about that. Not for me to say.

My favorite part was when he read me the list of "public figures" and asked whether my opinion of them was favorable or unfavorable. It was sweet. So, so sweet. He knew just the right names to read... yum... in that yummy voice of his...

Of course it took longer than eight minutes, but then I knew it would. Heh. I wasn't complaining. He even told me he might call back later, to ask me "follow-up" questions.

I pretended indifference.

He loves it when I play the coquet.


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All right, let me get this straight--you're easy but not cheap? Is that it? Or were you just trifling with this poor man's statistics, because you're a tease?

All right, let me get this straight--you're easy but not cheap?

Why can't I be both? Why must I limit myself?

I'll tell you the truth. This is honestly what went through my mind once he'd identified himself as being from Gallup.

"I want a piece of this action."

Really. I wanted to contribute to the further decline of Bush's statistics. Especially in a Gallup poll -- which I think is pretty much a right-wing hack job.

It truly was a kind of lust. It's bizarre. I think they know Being Asked For Your Opinion has this sort of visceral effect on people. I think it's how they stay in business.

One of my favorite blogs, Give, Get, Take and Have, has a little graphic for The Corpuscle in his blogroll. Underneath it, he uses a remark I made to him in an email (the essence of which I ripped-off from an old Lenny Bruce animated short, Thank You, Masked Man). The remark goes: "I Just Heard A Lot About It, And Wondered What It Would Be Like."

I think that about sums it up. I hate polls, but I couldn't help myself. They are "unnatural acts", after all, and I cain't never say no to an unnatural act.

I think I'm pretty much with the Lone Ranger on this one: "Hi-ho, Silver!!!"

Well, OK, you can be both if you realy want to.

I don't think I could have resisted, either. Of course, I might have started channelling the folks over at the Shrillblog and begun shrieking "Ia! Ia! Shub Niggurath! Karl Rove is the black goat with a thousand young!" which wold only have confused the pollster, but I wouldn't have declined to respond. Of course, in both our cases, we would merely have been twisting the knife, instead of expressing a sudden new disillusionment with Bush, but, hey, we get to have our opinions, too, right?

Oh, my. The Lenny Bruce short--a friend had a copy of that, years and years ago--probably pirated at a con at some point, back before you could order things like that on the internet.

"Thank you, Masked Man."

I once answered a poll question about a certain politician ("1 very favorable, 2 somewhat favorable...") by asking if there was a number for "If he choked to death I would dance and sing until the sun set and came up again."

"5 Very Unfavorable," she said. But then she giggled, breaking her poll-taker's impartiality somewhat.

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