The Corpuscle

You ever get to the point to where the world just makes you want to vomit?

Yeah, that's right... I haven't been around here much. That's on account of I had to go off and deal with an overwhelming urge to vomit.

Fortunately, I've never really been the depressive type. In fact, I hardly ever get depressed, even when the world is going the way it's going now. Instead, I mostly just get disgusted. There's really nothing useful to be said under such circumstances, nothing to be done, and I suppose if I wasn't some sort of weirdo or something I'd do something normal like get all passive and depressed and all, but that's not usually what I do.

What I usually do is go off in search of various sexual adventures.

Healthy? Well, I suppose it depends on your definition of "healthy". If I played unsafely, which I don't, you certainly couldn't call it healthy. If I physically or emotionally or psychologically endangered myself with my play, you certainly couldn't call that healthy either. But I generally take steps to keep untoward things from happening to me. So, mostly it ends up just being mindless fucking or some other sort of harmless sexual play.

Here's one thing I can say for it -- at least it doesn't pretend to be anything other than what it is. And if there are any lies told in the middle of it all, they are almost always the sort of lies that edge you toward the truth.

But in fact I generally don't lie about any of it. Can't afford to, really. Any lie I could make up, I probably couldn't live up to. So... just tell the god-damned truth and take the consequences. The whole idea is to be easy and simple, after all.

But at the same time, I really don't care if somebody lies to me about any of it. I've been around long enough to pretty much smell a lie when somebody lets a big rancid one. In this particular arena, they rarely matter. I find myself more interested in why I'm being lied to, rather than the content of the lie itself. I mean, it's a lie, isn't it? What the hell difference does its content make? The more viscerally interesting question is why the person feels compelled to lie about something as plain and simple as sex-fuck-play in the first place.

I think everybody, the whole country maybe -- probably even the whole world -- should just go off somewhere and fuck itself silly for a while. Sort of a fuck-reboot, I guess you might say.

They tell us we're not supposed to do that sort of thing, you know.

Heh. Reason enough to do it, in my book.

And hell, pay somebody for it, if you want, or if you think you don't have the skills or the "goods" to get some  of it on your own. There's no shame in that. We're all just commodities anyway. I think the best thing to do is just accept that notion -- embrace it even. It's a truth about you as a human being, at least as far as the world is concerned, and you can't really fight it. The world, after all, is so much bigger than you are.

So, yeah, embrace it. And once you have accepted your commodity status in this world -- once you don't have to have that argument with the world anymore -- you can get back to work on your own definition of who you are. Once you've admitted to the world that, yes, you know you aren't anything more than what you can contribute to the economy, then the world will go away and leave you alone for a while.

And when it does, you can get back to work on your secret self. That part of you that you keep separate from the world. That part of you that the world can't have just because you are resolved to not let the world have it.

The world really hates it when you do that, believe me. It's why it doesn't want you going off every once in a while and having a fuck-reboot. Fuck-reboots give you funny ideas.

Like, you know, you are some sort of human being or something.