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In The Hands Of

Dear Mr. Corpuscle:

The CAREER PROFESSIONALS here at the National Security Agency send you their warmest greetings!

We are updating our records. Our CAREER PROFESSIONALS have just a few questions for you. You may be sure that our CAREER PROFESSIONALS will keep your answers in strictest confidence.

Many of our CAREER PROFESSIONALS are wondering why you insist on using an anonymous browsing service. In the extensive experience of our dedicated CAREER PROFESSIONALS, people who use anonymous browsing services have something to hide. Do you have something to hide? You may be sure your response will be held in strictest confidence by our CAREER PROFESSIONALS.

Why do you have two checking accounts? Hardly any of our skilled CAREER PROFESSIONALS have two checking accounts. In the opinion of our experienced CAREER PROFESSIONALS, this sort of thing only creates unnecessary paperwork both for you and our overworked CAREER PROFESSIONALS. Our caring CAREER PROFESSIONALS suggest that you consolidate your monies, for your convenience.

Recently, our sharp-eyed CAREER PROFESSIONALS have noticed you are buying briefs with smaller waist sizes. Are you losing weight? Our knowledgeable CAREER PROFESSIONALS suspect you are under some sort of stress. Caring and sensitive CAREER PROFESSIONALS stand by to help. (If we may... Are you a potential suicide-bomber?)

Please feel free to contact one of our helpful CAREER PROFESSIONALS at your earliest opportunity. We are the committed CAREER PROFESSIONALS of the NSA and we're not kidding.




(dictated but not read)


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Big Mommy is watching You!


These people drive me nuts. Well, in this particular instance, their language drives me nuts. Have noticed the number of times they assure us that CAREER PROFESSIONALS are in charge? See Gonzales's testimony yesterday.

For Christ's sake, George Tenet was a CAREER PROFESSIONAL. Ollie North was a CAREER PROFESSIONAL. Lordy, Severian was a CAREER PROFESSIONAL.

I think career professionals are great. When I want a job done right, I call a career professional. The question isn't whether career professionals are good. The question is what sort of job you are asking the career professionals to do.

Is it the job of the career professionals at the NSA to protect us from warrantless searches? I'd like to think so, but how do we know? Certainly just telling me over and over again that CAREER PROFESSIONALS are in charge doesn't speak to the question.

I guess the idea is that we will be reassured if we are repeatedly told the CAREER PROFESSIONALS are in charge. We admire CAREER PROFESSIONALS, after all. What could go wrong? We are in the hands of the CAREER PROFESSIONALS.

Move along, folks. Nothing to look at here...

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